How To Write A Biography For Someone Else

18 Nov

Before my former co-worker Daniel abandoned me for greater endeavours, we used to break regularly together. We’d have joyful discussions about fermented soybeans and donuts, just how bored we were that day, and the meaning of life. So when he said he was moving on to a new job, I said, “Daniel, I would be honoured to write your biography.”*

The following tips are for others who find themselves in a similar situation. See, the fact of the matter is I don’t really know anything about Daniel’s background. But as you’re about to find out, it was not a problem at all:

How To Write A Biography For Someone Else

1.  Look up the format of other biographies used in the same context. If you can’t find the biographies you’re looking for, just give up. They weren’t that important anyway.

2. Think of a useless science project.

3. Google “Prestigious science award”.

4. Look up European universities on Wikipedia.

5. Find a second university closer to the biographee’s hometown. Go through the program list to find something appropriate. If the school doesn’t have what you’re looking for, make it up.

6. Brainstorm a list of future goals and aspirations. If need be, just use your own.

7. Mish-mash all the above information together, throw in some good conjunctions and reasonable transitions, and voila! Biography.

You’re welcome, Daniel.

*Not verbatim.

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